Chicago Cubs Baseball

Have you see this Chicago Cubs pitcher? If so, please alert the Chicago Cubs baseball organization immediately.

Carlos Zambrano, pictured on the left, has been missing in action for the last four weeks. Foul play is not assumed, but Zambrano’s pitching performances over that span have purportedly “stunk to the high heavens,” to which he frequently points - even after the most meaningless of outs.

Zambrano is believed to be armed, but not dangerous - unless your name is Michael Barrett, Jim Edmonds or any batter wearing an opposing uniform. Zambrano is easily recognized by erratic behavior that includes among other things breaking bats over his knee, pumping his fist and pounding his chest - not unlike the actions you would witness at the zoo or from any teenage thug.

He has no known tattoos or distinguishing marks, but does goes by the nickname, “Big Z.”

Chicago Cub officials are concerned of Zambrano’s whereabouts. The 26=year-old from Puerto Cabello, Venezuela, recently signed a five-year, $91.5 million contract August 16th.

Zambrano held a pitching record of 14-9 at that time, but since then the right-hander has failed to produce a quality start. His record has dropped to 14-11 and his ERA has sky-rocketed to over 4.00 during that span.

While Cub officials have not mentioned any wrongdoing by the volatile Zambrano, Cubdom has not been so silent. Fraud is the most often used term to describe Zambrano’s recent efforts, preceded only by well-chosen expletives.

Another noteworthy characteristic of the 26-year-old is his ability to combine several seasons into one. After punching out Barrett, his former teammate in early June, Zambrano declared he was embarking on “a new season.” One can assume, based on his previous behavior, that this most recent decline in performance is Zambrano’s new, new season.

Zambrano’s only noteworthy accomplishment of the past month has been his being named as the Cubs’ representative in ESPN Nation’s Face of the Franchise contest. Big Z received 37.6 percent of the votes, narrowly beating Chicago manager Lou Piniella, who received 32.6 percent.

As the Chicago Cubs head into the final month of the season and in first place of the National League Central, team officials are hoping for the return of Zambrano. So again, if you’ve seen Carlos please tell him to come home and bring his A game with him.